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Lighten your day with a bit of diving humour.
MP3s
Flash
The compressor
Did you here about the novice diver who was too miserly to pay for the air fills. He bought an old compressor to save fill charges. Only thing was, there was no instructions and he hooked it up backwoods and accidentally removes 232 Bar from his tank.
Unknowingly, he sticks the regulator in his mouth, takes a breath, and is immediately sucked into the tank, never to be heard from again. Rumour has it his widow has the tank mounted at the corner of the fireplace.
Sorry mate!
A few members of a local BSAC club went diving off the South coast, amongst them was Jim and Wilma, a husband and wife who always dived together. On the last dive they got separated, Jim surfaced ok, but his wife was nowhere to be seen. They initiated a search but after a long day and night, it was called off and Jim went back home alone and heartbroken.
The next day the club Diving Officer (DO) knocked on Jim's front door and said "I'm really sorry Jim, but I've got some bad news, some good news and some very good news",
Fearing the worst Jim said "Give it to me straight, what's the bad news"?
"Well we've found your wife's body" came the solemn reply,
"Oh my God" wept Jim...... after a while he said "well, what's the good news"?
"You wouldn't believe it" said the DO excitedly "when we brought her up, we got 2 large crabs and 3 huge lobsters!!!"
After some time Jim said "what's the very good news then"?
"Well, we're going to bring her up again, tomorrow morning!" The DO retorted.
The dive boats sinking!
A dive boat runs into a terrible storm. The boat gets pounded by rain and wind and huge waves. The divers are quiet but really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman diver jumps up and exclaims:
"I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" .........
The Diving Officer stands up - a tall, handsome, muscular man (well it is a joke!), he smiles and starts to walk up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles....... and prominent six pack.
He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her: "Here! Iron this!".
Sharks
Two sports divers were kitting when one noticed the other putting vaseline on his hair and patting it down,
"What are you doing that for" said the other diver,
"There's bleedin' sharks in there, I need all the speed I can get" came the reply,
"Don't be daft, you can't out swim a shark!
True.... just as long as I can out swim you!
Where?
Two Irish divers (I could be shot for this) go diving off a RIB, they accidentally discover a virgin wreck with untouched portholes.
As they get back to the shore the first one says, "I hope you can remember the spot where we found that wreck."
The other divers answers, "Don't worry, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot."
"You idiot!" cries the first, "How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow"?
Seen in the Personal Ads column
Young attractive male seeks female dive buddy for shared recreation and friendship, must have boat. Please sent photo of boat.
Shipwrecked
A diver was shipwrecked up onto a lonely and tropical shore. As he stood up he noticed his hands were purple, he looked at his feet, and they were purple, worriedly he unzipped his wetsuit and his chest and stomach were purple. With his head in his hands he cried, "Oh my God!, I've been marooned!"
Who's put on weight?
You know you need to lose weight when remoras start hanging around you.
You know you need to lose a lot of weight when you can't complete a shore dive because the "Save The Whale Foundation" folks keep pushing you back in the water.
You know you need to loose weight when your buddies put their torches on as you grab the shot line.
Prawns
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.
I've changed."......... (You're going to love this...)
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".
Classic things Instructors say
- What part of this did you understand?
- You couldn't make it to class because your what died?
- I see......, you just forgot to mention the epilepsy
- Yes, I know you were scared, but don't ever bite me again!
- You should've been here last week, the vis was great
- You didn't see the whale shark?
- You don't want to do the buddy breathing because you have what!
- Welcome to the food chain folks, you are no longer on the top!
- Don't worry about this dive unless:
- You hear the theme music from JAWS
- You see someone's foot hanging out of a fish's mouth
- All the fish on the reef disappear
- You see the boat pass you as you're going down the shot line.
Classic things Diving shop owners say
- Let's see, that will be £680 ..ooops! I forgot the mask clear, that will be £682.50
- If I gave you 10% off, I couldn't stay in business!
In days of old
When divers were cold
And before dry suits were invented
The best latrine
was neoprene
Especially if it was rented
Contributions please
If you have any contributions they would be much appreciated.
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